Last updated: September 28, 2025
Whereas, heretofore, and notwithstanding anything to the contrary contained, implied, insinuated, or mumbled sotto voce in any parchment, papyrus, pergament, or PDF, we, the humble custodians of this wholly recreational web contraption at paulhome.me, do hereby promulgate, declaim, and otherwise sesquipedalianly articulate this Privacy Policy, whose sentences shall be of such leviathanic length and baroque syntactic sinuosity as to challenge even the most indefatigable grammarian, all for the salutary purpose of ensuring that, while you may read, you shall never, ever, under any conceivable cosmological circumstance, understand.
Upon your merest pixelated approach, we may, shall, could, might, and, for good measure, will collect identifiers (civil, electronic, and ornithological), device particulars (make, model, approximate hue), IP vectors (public, private, and plausibly imaginary), geolocational approximations (continent to teacup), telemetry of scrolls, clicks, sighs, and existential dread, plus your name, email, and portrait‑adjacent image as benevolently bestowed by the gargantuan authentication behemoth known in certain circles as Google.
In addition, we reserve the inalienable, imprescriptible, and immemorial prerogative to ingest metadata about your metadata, headers about your headers, and that ineffable epiphenomenon produced when a cookie contemplates its own crumbly ontology.
We use your information to authenticate you, show you your own face, keep a session pleasantly toasty, secure the premises against digital miscreants, improve the Service by means of empirico‑heuristic floccinaucinihilipilification, comply with every statute, ordinance, by‑law, fiat, ukase, and mildly worded suggestion, and for any other purpose consonant with, adjacent to, or merely waving from across the village green at these enumerations, including but not limited to research, development, maintenance, refurbishment, embetterment, and occasional wittering.
We may disclose your information to service providers (computational footmen), analytics savants (if ever employed, presently loitering), infrastructural hobgoblins (servers), postal clerks of cyberspace (content delivery entities), legal beagles (upon bark), and to any person, entity, consortium, cabal, guild, or polite queue as required by law, custom, superstition, or because we fancied a cup of tea and the form said so.
If an unspecified third party, herein denominated The Other Lot, should obtain your data via any mechanism sanctioned, unsanctioned, or curiously adumbrated, then such data, once pried loose from our benevolent grasp, shall transmogrify into their data and become subject to their policies, their whims, and their alarming fondness for impenetrable paragraphs, which you shall accept by the ancient doctrine of tacitus shruggius.
We shall retain, sustain, maintain, and occasionally entertain your data for a duration not less than the period necessary to accomplish the aforesaid purposes, plus any statutory, planetary, interplanetary, or tea‑break extensions, up to and including the ultimate cosmological entropic denouement, unless, perchance, a small clerical pigeon misfiles the lot, in which case sooner.
Your information may promenade, peregrinate, and perambulate across borders visible, invisible, and cartographically speculative, to jurisdictions known, unknown, or unknowable, wherein protections may be adequate, inadequate, or absquatulated; where required, we shall gird such travels with Standard Contractual Clauses, Sturdy Contractual Claspings, and, when moved, a firm handshake.
We do not presently solicit your retinal jiggles, palmar whorls, stentorian utterances, or perambulating heartbeats; nevertheless, should such data saunter in unbidden on the coattails of some ingenious contrivance, we may gaze upon it benignly, place it upon a velvet cushion, and secure it with all the unguents and unctions suitable to its station, or, alternatively, ignore it with lofty indifference.
We deploy a strictly necessary session cookie, a modest crumb designed solely to remember that you are you and not, say, a cleverly disguised Aubergine; any future cookies, analytics truffles, or marketing macaroons shall be heralded by a banner so magnificently verbose that, having read it, you will press “Allow All” merely to make the words stop.
You may request access, rectification, erasure, restriction, objection, portability, portability of your objection, objection to your portability, and a small paper hat; we shall acknowledge, contemplate, and, resources permitting, respond within a timeframe both reasonable and delightfully indeterminate, except where denied by law, physics, or the scarcity of quills.
Should your locale proffer grandiloquent statutes (CPRA, GDPR, UK‑GDPR, PDPA, LGPD, or the Great Writ of Wibble), we shall comply, attempt to comply, or at least produce a compliance‑shaped silhouette upon the nearest wall.
We may, with or without biscuits, amend this Policy whenever the spirit moves us, to take immediate effect upon posting, backdating, forward‑dating, or side‑dating, and by continuing to glance in the general direction of this website you are deemed to have accepted, acquiesced, and applauded such revisions with three hearty cheers and a tasteful kazoo.
Should you wish to exercise rights, lodge a lament, or simply compliment our semicolons, dispatch a missive to privacy@paulhome.me; identification may be required, preferably not by courier pigeon (they eat the forms).